


and thus, you would have made me whole

by fromthefarshore



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, M/M, hiding one's feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 16:39:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8924428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthefarshore/pseuds/fromthefarshore
Summary: Bokuto wears his heart on his sleeve while Kuroo hides everything inside, he's honest about everything whereas Kuroo decides what and how he wants to say things to others, Bokuto acts on instinct and emotions while Kuroo thinks three steps ahead before doing anything.And this, Kuroo thinks, is why it'd never work out.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [57cats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/57cats/gifts).



> for Tommy aka Satan who wished for bokuro angst for Christmas. I hope you will _enjoy_ this.
> 
> warning: I tagged it as bokuro because the story is centered around them, but other ship(s) will be mentioned. I chose not to add more character tags because I think it'd spoil the story.

Over the years, Kuroo has realised that he and Bokuto are not really that similar, even though usually everyone lumps them together.

He thinks, Bokuto has always been more of what Kuroo himself is. Bokuto wears his heart on his sleeve while Kuroo hides everything inside, he's honest about everything whereas Kuroo decides what and how he wants to say things to others, Bokuto acts on instinct and emotions while Kuroo thinks three steps ahead before doing anything.

And this, Kuroo thinks, is why it'd never work out.

-

They meet in highschool and stick together since the very first moments. It's easy to be with Bokuto and while others complain that he is too loud and stays after practice too long, Kuroo finds it nice and fun. Bokuto's touchy and he often forgets or doesn't care about personal space, and even though at first it makes Kuroo slightly uncomfortable, he gets used to it fast and even starts liking it.

He tells himself that it's because of how well they get along, but the more time passes, the harder it becomes to pull away from Bokuto, to stop himself from stealing glances of him and trying to get a few more touches than usual. Kuroo sees what is coming, but he doesn't stop it.

"You're too good at blocking," Bokuto says during practice, and it sounds as if he's complaining about his stopped spike. However, his eyes are shining with excitement, honest and clear, and it's impossible to look away.

"You just suck at spiking." Kuroo smirks, watching the emotions wash through Bokuto's face. Bokuto pouts, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I thought it was pretty good," he confesses and Kuroo snorts, bending to go under the net and bringing his arm around Bokuto's shoulders.

"I'm joking," he says. "You're awesome."

Bokuto's face breaks into a wide smile.

"Yeah?" he says, his voice rising up in volume. He hugs Kuroo with one arm, turning his head to look him in the eyes. "We're just that great together, huh?" he asks and suddenly Kuroo thinks, he wants to kiss him.

He's not the one to act on the impulse, though, so he doesn't. Instead, he grins at Bokuto and then, he pulls away.

"Of course," he says. Kuroo has thought it impossible, but Bokuto smiles even wider. He reaches up to pat Kuroo's shoulder, his touch warm and pleasant.

Kuroo hates how it makes his heart start beating a bit faster.

"Let's play again?" Bokuto asks, bending down to pick up a ball at his feet.

Kuroo follows Bokuto's movements with his eyes and when Bokuto looks at him again, a shiver runs down his spine.

"I think I'm gonna take a little break," he says. "I'll join you in a few minutes."

He doesn't wait for the answer as he jogs to the benches and takes his water bottle. He's not thirsty, but at least he's got some excuse to get away for a moment.

He wishes the water would wash away the thoughts of Bokuto and of two of them being _together_ , but it doesn't.

It seems that lately, nothing does.

-

Bokuto's lips are soft and hot, his kisses a bit desperate and a bit too fierce, but Kuroo likes it as much as he likes Bokuto, and he kisses him back, a bit desperate himself. A laugh escapes Bokuto's mouth when he pulls away to look Kuroo into the eyes.

"You're too good at this," he says, but Kuroo doesn't answer.

Instead, he gets swept by the goldness of Bokuto's eyes and then, he wakes up.

-

Kuroo thinks it's a simple crush that will go away soon. He blames it on upcoming Christmas, on seeing his classmates getting together, blushes creeping across their cheeks as they eat lunch in pairs.  He thinks he's gotten attracted to Bokuto because he's the person Kuroo knows the best and spends most of the time with. Sometimes, he thinks he wants to come out to Bokuto, wants to tell him he likes him, but then he thinks ahead, one or two or twenty three steps ahead, and he doesn't. He trusts Bokuto, but he doesn't trust himself, afraid that it will end up with awkward silence, keeping the distance and less honesty on Bokuto's face.

It will go away soon anyway, he tells himself, so there's no need to bring it up.

-

"Konoha got himself a date for Christmas," Bokuto says, slumping into a chair in front of Kuroo's desk. "You know, the girl with glasses from his class? They're awfully adorable together, I'm envious." Bokuto sighs, but there's a little smile playing on his lips as if he's thinking about someone. Kuroo hums, leaning forward.

"Oh ho? There's someone you want to spend Christmas with?"

Bokuto lets out a puff and leans forward as well.

"Yeah, with you," he says.

Kuroo rolls his eyes.

"I thought there's actually someone you like, and here you're trying to be all smooth when we already have plans to do nothing on Christmas together," he says and he flicks Bokuto's forehead. Bokuto giggles.

"Well, that someone I like is you anyway," he says, smiling at Kuroo.

Not like Kuroo, Bokuto's always been the type to easily use the word "like" when talking about people - he likes his parents,  he likes the lady from the cafeteria, he likes the cool volleyball players from the magazines, he likes Konoha, Suzumeda, Komi, and he likes Kuroo.

"Of course it's me," Kuroo says, letting out a short laugh. Bokuto sends him a flying kiss.

Deep inside, it hurts.

-

Kuroo's crush on Bokuto comes and goes throughout the highschool years, but Kuroo successfully keeps it under control, glad that he's not the type to blush easily, that he thinks before speaking and that he's hard to read in general.

They go to different universities, and even though part of Kuroo is sad about not having Bokuto around every day, the other part of him is relieved. He hopes the distance will help him grow out of his crush. It's been years and it has already turned into love, except that Kuroo himself doesn't admit that. It comes and goes, comes and goes, and Kuroo thinks one day it simply won't return.

-

It always returns and each time, it gets worse.

-

As long as Kuroo has known Bokuto, the other has always been single. In highschool it was because he, and Kuroo himself, gave all the time for volleyball, apologizing to the girls who had confessed and telling them they're not looking for a relationship, not now (in Kuroo's case also because he was never interested in girls anyway). In university, even when Kuroo has started going to the mixers, secretly getting together with both girls and guys and emptily hoping they will help him move on, Bokuto's been alone all the time. But then again, they've never really talked about love and dating, skipping the topic as if it wasn't important or fun enough; it has never really mattered.

And still, Kuroo's been always waiting for Bokuto to tell him he's finally in a relationship. Kuroo has thought that Bokuto getting a girlfriend would finally end his crush and let him move on, but nothing is ever as easy as it sounds.

It happens in their second year of university, before Christmas.

They're sitting in a cafe, at a table near the windows and away from the main space. The soft tunes are playing from the speakers while people, mostly couples, chat among themselves with the cups of hot drinks in their hands and pieces of cakes on the tables.

"I've got news," Bokuto says, his finger tracing the edge of a little plate under his cup of cappuccino. He seems slightly nervous, watching Kuroo for every reaction, but his eyes are full of excitement and Kuroo is waiting for the smile Bokuto's trying to withhold to finally show up.

"I'm all ears," Kuroo says, beaming himself. It gives Bokuto the push he's needed and his lips break into a wide smile.

"I found someone I really, really like," he says, and Kuroo is glad he's looking down at his cup of tea as he's stirring it. It makes his breath catch and he's sure the wave of shock has definitely showed up in his eyes. He waits until it goes away, and only then lifts his head to look at Bokuto. It's more painful than he has thought it'd be, but he forces himself to smile again.

"And who's the lucky one?" he asks, keeping the light tone. Bokuto shifts in his seat and clears his throat.

"You see," he starts, his voice dropping in volume, "it's not a _girl_."

Kuroo blinks at him, at a loss, and he sees the smile disappearing from Bokuto's face.

"I- I thought I'll let you know first," Bokuto says. "You don't have to say anything or well, support me, but I've been keeping this away for long enough, and now," he takes a deep breath, wrapping his fingers around the warm cup, "I don't want to hide it anymore. I hope it won't change our friendship. I hope- I hope you'll want to meet him."

Kuroo doesn't know how to react when the words cut him. He doesn't know how to stop the emptiness from spreading inside his body when he realises the meaning behind Bokuto's confession, when he realises his own mistake. It feels like part of him is taken away by force and shed to pieces in front of his eyes, and it hurts. It hurts badly, and Kuroo does what he's always done when it hurts the most. He laughs.

"Bokuto," he says and he leans forward, reaching to touch Bokuto's hands. The warmth is calming. "I don't care if it's a girl or a guy. I'm happy for you, I'm glad you told me about it."

"Really?" Bokuto asks, his eyes growing wide.

Kuroo nods.

"What's his name? I want to meet him," he says, careful not to let his voice tremble, and Bokuto chuckles.

"Akaashi," he whispers as if it's a secret. His voice is full of affection and his eyes are nearly glowing. "Akaashi Keiji."

-

Kuroo is surprised that Akaashi is similar to him. He controls his emotions well, he thinks things through and is less loud than Bokuto, but he's still nice and fun. He falls in with Bokuto well and they seem to get each other without words. It reminds Kuroo of the easiness he's always felt with Bokuto himself, except that with Akaashi it's obvious that there's something more than friendship going on.

Akaashi seems to be even more different from Bokuto than Kuroo is, but somehow they fit together like two halves of one, and somehow it works out.

Kuroo wonders if that's something he could have had as well. He wants to ask which one of them took the first step, but he's afraid to get the answer, so he doesn't dare to. What you don't know won't hurt you, he tells himself, but it hurts nevertheless.

-

"It took me forever to tell you," Kuroo says one night when he's crashing at Bokuto's place after a movie marathon, "but I kind of like guys as well."

He's looking at the ceiling, so he doesn't see Bokuto's face. Still, he can hear the smile in his voice.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Kuroo confirms, rolling on his side and curling into a ball. "I think so."

"We could probably go on a double date one day, huh?" Bokuto laughs, carefree and joyful. "No girls allowed. Would be awesome, right?"

Kuroo musters up a laugh himself.

"Yeah," he says and he clears his throat not to sound fake. "Yeah, it would."

-

The days come and go, come and go, and even though Kuroo's crush doesn't really return, it doesn't really leave either.

Kuroo is sitting on the floor in Bokuto and Akaashi's new apartment, the empty cans of drinks on the low table and full ones in his and Bokuto's hands, a pleasant refreshment after a long day of moving boxes and furniture. Akaashi has left to his parents' house to return the van they've borrowed from the neighbours there, and he's yet to return. However, Kuroo can still feel his presence here; lately it seems that it's become part of Bokuto's own being.

"I can't believe I'm moving in with Keiji," Bokuto suddenly says, a lazy, content smile on his face. There's a glow in his eyes; it's always there when he talks about Akaashi. Kuroo has never really believed in second halves and two people becoming one, but when he looks at Bokuto and Akaashi, he's easily convinced. They come together perfectly like pieces of the same puzzle, and even though there's still a dull pain in Kuroo's chest when he sees them being so close, he can't look away from them. He thinks, they're going to spend the lifetime together.

"I can," he says, letting out a soft sigh. Bokuto laughs at this, happily.

"You know, back in highschool, I was thinking a lot about such things. Moving in with someone you love, being happy together." He brings the can to his lips and takes a few sips. Then, he chuckles. "I actually had a crush on you back then."

Kuroo looks at him for a few moments, repeating the words in his head.

"You what?" he asks, his voice smaller than he would like it to be, and he watches how Bokuto giggles, his cheeks already red from alcohol.

"Yeah. But I was afraid to ruin everything, so I kept silent."

"Same here," Kuroo says. "Somewhere along the way I got a crush on you as well," he confesses, for the first time voicing it out. Bokuto's eyes widen.

"Really?" His lips twirl up at the corners. "So maybe it's a best friends thing, you know. Getting some kind of a crush for a while and then growing out of it."

Kuroo laughs, bringing a can to his mouth.

"Maybe," he says. Except he has never grown out of it.

-

Sometimes Kuroo rewinds the story, rewriting it in his head before he goes to sleep. He travels back to their school year, to training camps and to sleepovers.

He lies in his futon and he knows that Bokuto is not sleeping as well. Kuroo can hear him moving his feet under the covers - a habit that kicks in when Bokuto can't fall asleep.

Kuroo thinks it's the best moment. It's a chance that will go away soon if Kuroo doesn't use it; just like all the other chances have passed before. He takes a deep breath.

"Hey, Bokuto? You awake?"

The moving stops and there's a silent giggle coming from Bokuto's side.

"Yeah," he says, his voice a little hoarse from not talking for a good while. Kuroo can hear how he shifts in his futon, rolling on his side to face Kuroo. "What's up?"

Kuroo has always found it strange that the thing you're afraid of can also give you courage. He doesn't understand why it's somehow easier to talk in the darkness-- he knows that it's partly because you don't see the person, you don't alter your words according to the look in their eyes and on their face, you're not afraid of their reactions and you can fool yourself that you're alone in the room, talking to nothingness, simply letting your thoughts out. However, he still cannot fully grasp why the same darkness seems so frightening when you are actually alone. He thinks now, that maybe that fear is what makes it easier to talk when you can't see anything. You know that whatever happens in the darkness, it's not going to be worse than the fear of pitch black nothingness that inside your head is full of everything you're scared of. He wonders if that makes him a coward.

"I think I like you," he says, without thinking three steps ahead, without hiding his feelings and emotions, and somehow, it works.

"What are the chances of finding a perfect person who seems to be the second half of you that you never knew you're missing?" Bokuto asks, and Kuroo can hear a smile in his voice.

He smiles himself, turning his head to look at the darkness behind which Bokuto's face is hiding.

"Do you want me to run a formula in my head and give you the numbers?" he asks in reply, trying to at least make out the lines of Bokuto's face.

"I don't care about the numbers," Bokuto says with a small laugh. "I'm good enough- no, not just good enough, I'm perfectly fine, great, or whatever is the best word here, knowing that I've got my second half right here. It sounds like a crappy pick up line, but," Bokuto pauses to let out a chuckle, and by this time Kuroo can finally see his face in the darkness, "I feel whole with you, you know? I like you lots."

Kuroo lets out a snort, but the smile on his face is fond and the look in his eyes is warm.

"So, does it mean we're together?" he asks. "That easily?"

"Yeah," Bokuto says and he takes a deep breath. "It's always easier in the darkness," he adds and Kuroo furrows his eyebrows. It's not exactly what he's expected to hear. He opens his mouth to ask Bokuto what does it mean, but the view in his eyes is getting blurry. He blinks a few times, but it doesn't really help. He tries to shut them tight for a few moments, but when he opens his eyes again, all he can see is the white ceiling above him.

The tears are slowly rolling down his face, and he hastily brushes them away.

Everything starts in the darkness and everything ends with the darkness, and perhaps it's the same darkness that fills the missing part of Kuroo's "wholeness".

Even though a lot of people compare him and Bokuto, they are more of the opposites. Where Bokuto gets from his dejected modes fast and moves forward with the help of others, Kuroo gets stuck until he finds a solution and fixes everything himself. And this is why Bokuto was always meant to easily find another second half that fits him perfectly, while Kuroo would always be stuck with but a memory of the first one.

"Get a grip of yourself."

He sighs heavily, as if he feels the burden of the whole world on his shoulders, and slowly gets out of his bed.

Today, he's got a wedding to attend.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please send love to Kuroo, he doesn't deserve to suffer like this ಥ_ಥ


End file.
